things that help me feel like a person again after burnout

just because rest is necessary, doesn't mean it's easy

June has felt heavy and sluggish so far. Not that Ireland has been experiencing much of a ‘summer’ these last few weeks, but the drowsiness that summer brings feels thick in the air. I’m embarrassed to admit that these last few weeks, I’ve woken up around 9:30am (with much difficulty) despite getting around eight hours of sleep each night. There is so much morality wrapped up in being an early riser that it’s a battle each morning to fight off the guilt and shame, especially in this season where work is a bit slower. When work is slow, the shame of not doing ‘enough’ riddles through me. The guilt of wasting this free time and wide open space in my calendar follows me through the kitchen each morning as I blindly feel my way to the coffee machine.

image from pinterest

I scramble to put on my clothes while the coffee brews, because I know our postman will be here any minute. Our postman is a friendly man in a paddy cap who, if we don’t hear him coming, will literally open our back door and put our post on the kitchen table. That’s rural Ireland for you. If timed incorrectly, my dog will be outside in the garden when the postman arrives. And if I’m still in my pyjamas when that happens… well, it’s just a disaster.

I’d say maybe once or twice a week I feel ‘back to usual myself’ and I’m able to roll out of bed to my 8:00am alarm and go about my day like I used to. Just because rest is necessary, doesn’t mean it is easily done. I’m often annoyed at myself. I flip flop between thinking I will conquer the world that day and resisting the urge to drop into my big purple sofa and watch Netflix until it’s time to move upstairs to bed. I work, write, cook, clean, walk, and try my best every day. The thing is, I need to remember that burnout is not a linear path. It doesn’t stop after eighteen months. Burnout can come in and out of life like the ocean tide. It has nothing to do with how much you’re working or what your productive output is. For the last few weeks, I kept telling myself I couldn’t possibly be burned out. Work has been slower, the wedding is over, and I have almost all day to do whatever I please outside of my work hours. Then, I remembered. Burnout isn’t just about working too hard. And the flip side of that is: working more won’t heal burnout.